I’m Taking A DUMP And The Mel Gibson Effect
There are a lot of women out there who have no problem doing “their business” with an audience, be it their children or their spouse. I am not one of those people. I don’t even do my business when my husband is in the house. Yes, I am well acquainted with stomach pains and squeezed cheeks just waiting for him to leave for work so I can do #2. Why? Let’s just say, my shit smells like roses and you can’t prove it doesn’t. It’s a complex.
In this arena, having children has been a particularly cramping experience (pun intended). I need my privacy. And on days like today, it is particularly hard to get it. The Professor has no concept of what a closed door means and locking the door isn’t an option because The Gremlin is running around and if something happens, I don’t know. Now that I am thinking about it, I should just lock the damned door. But anyway…
- I finally go into the bathroom, shut the door and no less than 2 minutes goes by before the door swings open
“Mom! I got on Webkinz! Everything changed on the website. I like it. Will you make me Candy Cane Tea? Because I want to have Candy Cane Tea with my webkinz. Can I have a candy cane? When are we going to get tinsel for the tree?”, The Professor exclaims, taking no notice of my annoyed expression or “the look” that after 8 years, I still can’t make work.
“Great. Cool. Not right this minute. No and when I find a store that has it.”, I reply dryly, “Why don’t you go play. I will be out in a few minutes.” And off he goes, leaving the door wide open.
I will never understand the lack of ability children seem to have for closing a door they opened only moments ago. I do, however, understand my irritation and dismay at doing my business with the door open, so I called him back.
“Do you think you could shut the door please?”, I asked him, trying hard not to yell or lecture.
“Oh. Sorry Mom.” he replies as he shuts the door. But the door doesn’t get shut completely. “Oh mom,” he says, “Webkinz has a wish list! I added almost everything to my wish list. Except the dinosaurs because I don’t have those. Well, I do have some of them but one of them is retired so that sucks. Oh but they have a Platypus! Can you believe it Mom? Oh yeah, and do you think Santa can bring me some Webkinz? On Webkinz they have instructions for making a bed. It looks like a cloud which is really good because my dragon sleeps in the clouds and could you help me get all the materials for it Mom?
“Why don’t we talk about this later.” I say. I just want to use the bathroom dammit! Can this child not see me on the toilet?? Taking a Dump at medium.com
“Okay Mom, but you know it is snowing outside right? And I really want to go play in it. Maybe when you are done going to the bathroom we can go out and play in it?” So he does realize I am trying to use the bathroom. Hmmmm. “And Mom……”
“I am trying to take a dump! Can you please get out!!!” Real elegant. I know. Give me the “Crude Mom Of The Year” award. I will accept it happily if you stand guard outside my bathroom door for 20 minutes so I can do my business in peace. Meaning Definition Take a Dump! a online slang dictionary!!
Oh wait…..I would never be able to go with someone standing there knowing I was going. Never-mind.