It's The Civil Rights, Stupid!
by Deborah Goldstein
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My non-wife and I have been together for 15 years.
We have 2 children, 1 house and a mini-van. We are married by law in Canada and our marriage is recognized in Sweden, Denmark, South Africa, the United Kingdom, the Netherlands, Norway, Belgium, and Spain. But we don’t live in Canada or any of those other enlightened countries.
We live in New Jersey, where we are fortunate to be . . . Civil Unionized? Civil Unionated? And what does it mean to have a Civil Union? The answer is, it doesn’t matter much because until we are married by law in the United States, “same-sex couples and their families are denied access to the more than 1,138 federal rights, protections and responsibilities automatically granted to married heterosexual couples.” (Human Rights Coalition) According to federal law, same-sex couples are not equal to heterosexual couples. We are Separate. Other. Less than.
So, we joined the ranks of 200,000 at The National Equality March in Washington DC on October 11. We loaded up the mini-van and the stroller with the buggyboard — essential march accessory for weary children. We packed our sensible shoes and rainbow flags and drove 4 hours to demand the rights granted to all U.S. citizens under the 14th Amendment in 1868. 141 years later and we still haven’t gotten it right. Can I get a WTF?
I remember marching in Washington for reproductive rights in 1992. We were 750,000 united in our fight and we felt powerful. I also remember the opposition. I can still picture those small children carrying signs espousing hate and damnation and it made me ill. How does a parent teach a child to hate? We wanted to explain to our children what we were doing here without corrupting their innocent minds with fear or anger.
It was at Abe’s feet at the Lincoln Memorial where I broke it all down for our almost 6 year old, Asher.
Deborah: Asher, do you remember the story of how the Jews escaped Egypt because they didn’t want to be slaves anymore?
Asher: When they worked for Pharaoh?
D: That’s right. Well, there were slaves in this country, too.
A: The Jewish people?
D: No. These slaves were Africans. Okay, so lots of Jews are Africans, too, but let’s not split hairs for the 6 year old. When Abraham Lincoln was president, he made laws to protect the rights of everyone who lived in the United States. Do you remember who helped the Jewish people escape slavery?
A: Abraham Lincoln?
D: Good guess, but it was Moses.
So much for sending Asher to a Jewish preschool. And yet, it was a better guess than he realized because Lincoln hated all bigotry-including anti-Semitism, and was the first President to overturn an anti-Semitic directive from Ulysses S. Grant.
D: Unfortunately, there are still people who treat others unequally and without respect. We need the President and everyone who works with the President to make laws so that no one is allowed to treat anyone else unfairly-like Abraham Lincoln did. So, tomorrow, thousands of Americans will march in front of the White House and tell President Obama that it’s time for equality.
A: Can we get some ice cream now?
D: Yes.
Clearly, there’s only so much an almost 6 year old can absorb about equal rights.
To be honest, a legally binding marriage would not change the nature of our family. We laugh and love and bicker and whine as much as the next family and no law will change that. We are incredibly fortunate to live in a community marbled with all flavors of people in a state that offers more protection to our family than most.
We chose this little, gay Mecca of a suburb so that we would not be pioneers and so our children would not feel different or unequal to other children. Yet, we know that there are huge economic disparities between gay and straight families. We know that beneath the thin surface, we are unequal and unprotected.
When Asher marched down Pennsylvania Avenue with his “I HEART MY 2 MOMMIES” sign, he figured that all of those people wanted to take photographs of him and his sign because of the pretty beads he glued on it. “Have a great march!” he told all of his new fans. We did not explain to him that it was his family fighting for equal rights. He did not understand that it is his family that others fear and hate because he has two mommies instead of one. We did not tell him how his sign touched hearts and inspired hope.
Marriage equality is a misnomer because it’s not about the right to slap on a Vera Wang and register for china. It’s about civil rights and the ability to tell our children that the good guys believe in equality and the bad guys are just stupid (though we don’t actually use the word stupid in our house). We want to tell them that there is nothing wrong with their family even if some imbecile tells them otherwise. We want to tell them that President Obama is the Abraham Lincoln of today and that he will defend equality in a country rife with prejudice. Marriage equality means that my non-wife becomes my wife — and it won’t seem the least bit queer.
Deborah Goldstein is a wife and mother of two boys — and chronicles it all in a heckuva funny blog. Read more about the march and her madcap world at Peaches And Coconuts.
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