 |
Issue#2, July
Sex, Drugs or Rock n'Roll
* * * TWO ONLINE EXCLUSIVES * * *
Sex After Parenthood? The Results of our Online Survey
by Lisa Duggan
Juggling Too Much?
by Jennifer Kirsch
* * * IN PRINT AND ONLINE * * *
DoulaMomma: Father's Day
by Kim Collins
The Modern Parent’s Essential Library
by Bridget Roy Sarubin
The Global Adoption Climate Report: Vietnam
by Carol Schlitt
* * ** * ** * ** * ** * ** * ** * *
Sex After ParentHood?
Yes! Yes! A Thousand Times, Yes!
by Lisa Duggan
Originally, I was going to write a steamy expose titled “How To Make Love to A Married Woman.” It started like this: “Sex is good, sex is glorious, I like sex.”
But after a few paragraphs of boasting that (a) my husband and I are still hot for each other after ten years (seventeen if you count dating) and (b) our period of post-partum, coitus- interruptus was relatively short (okay, yeah, we have only one kid)— I ran out of things to say. I guess misery is a much better muse.
Besides, what I really wanted to know was —does having kids equal the end of pleasure for parents? Is there sex after parenthood?
So I designed a completely unscientific and biased ten-question survey and asked our readers, my friends and some of my family to respond.
The results were very interesting. And the answers completely anonymous, I assure you.
I excerpt them here for your enjoyment.
SEX AFTER MOTHERHOOD
Number of women responding: 44 out of 65 polled
Conclusion: Moms still interested in having, and talking, about sex.
SEX AFTER FATHERHOOD
Number of men responding: 8 out of 44 polled (Eight!)
Conclusion: Hmmm. Hard to draw conclusions based on 8 responses!
THE STATISTICAL (BORING) QUESTIONS:
1. How many children do you have?
(44 of 44 Moms responding)
16 have one
23 have two
4 have three
1 has four (God Bless her!)
2. Are you currently in a steady relationship?
MOMS
yes: 43
no: 1
DADS
yes: 7
no: 1
3. How often were you having sex before you became a parent?
MOMS
1x per month or less: 6
1-2x week: 28
3x or more per week: 8
A “Samantha from Sex-and-the-City” frequency: 2
DADS
1-2x week: 3
3x or more per week: 5
4. How often are you having sex now (post-parenthood)?
MOMS
1-2x per month or less: 29
1-2x per week: 10
3x or more per week: 4
Every day: 1
DADS
1-2x per month or less: 5 (Same 5 guys from answer #3, above?)
1-2x per week: 3
8. How often do you masturbate?
MOMS
Never have, never will: 6
1x per week: 22
More than 1x per week: 8
I’m having so much fun with myself it’s a miracle when I leave the house: 5
DADS
(8 of 8 responding)
Never have, never will: 1
1x per week: 2
More than 1x per week: 1
I’m having so much fun with myself it’s a miracle when I leave the house: 4
BEST OF THE ESSAY QUESTIONS:
PRINT AND CUT-OUT HERE TO SHARE WITH PARTNER ; )
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - -- - - - - - -
5. What purpose does sex serve in your life (why do you have sex)?
DADS
“I love it and my wife is hot. No permanent body changes due to childbirth [that] are for the worse.”
“Intimacy, relieving sexual urges.”
“Fun.”
“Fun, fun, fun — ’til your daddy takes the T-bird away!”
MOMS
“Because I ENJOY it! It also helps me and my partner stay connected. It helps keep the creative, free-flow of everything moving.”
“Definitely need it for sanity purposes, just wish I could use someone else every now and then!”
“Because husband wants to – I feel guilty if I don't.”
“To feel close to my husband, because sex feels good, because it ‘clears out the cobwebs,’ because my husband and I are attracted to each other and want it.”
“Marriage connection; feels adult-like in the otherwise child-centered world that we live in right now.”
“The intimacy, connecting with husband, and the release and pleasure of it all.”
“Regain intimacy. We both get punchy with each other when we don't.”
“To try to have another child.”
“To shut him up.”
6. What do you like about sex?
DADS
“Everything.”
“My beloved's body.”
“E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. Start to finish, from the first devilish thought to the anticipation of the climax- giving and receiving of the pleasure. Experiencing how different it can be each time...”
“Everything.”
MOMS
“It feels reeeeeeeeeeeeeeally gooooooood.”
“The climax.”
“The 60 seconds [that] my husband is completely emotionally raw right after sex & ORGASMS (I never had them before kids)!”
“Not too much. The very end — then I know I’m ‘free’ the next couple of nights.”
“[We] remember what attracted us in the first place.”
“What's not to like?”
“The complete attention I have from my husband.”
“The intimacy it creates; love foreplay; the Big O, of course!”
“It does feel oh-so-good when it's right.”
“Connects me with my husband, gets me a free nap afterwards, and usually feels great.”
7. What do you hate about sex?
DADS
“Are you joking?”
“The resulting mess.”
“When it's over.”
“Can't have it when I want it.....getting timing right.”
“Nothing.”
“The return to reality —clean up, kids will be up soon, work and how long must I wait to do that again?”
MOMS
“The long drawn out sex, it makes me sick.”
“Having to ask for it... husbands should never be too tired or stressed to put out!”
“How it takes up time, i.e. when I know I should be going to sleep so I can function with the kids the following day. And having to get out of bed (after being all comfy) to clean-up, use the bathroom, etc.”
“Often I get fleeting thoughts of ‘I'd like to have sex tonight’ right before drift off to sleep. It's a lack of energy rather than a lack of interest.”
“SLOW foreplay.”
“Trying to get excited when not in the mood.”
“I hate when it can feel obligatory, he's into, but I'm not, so I feel guilty and give in. I hate when it's routine, which is 90% of the time. It's always so much of the same-old that I've really decided to become less demanding in my expectations for a quality sex life, then I realize how strange that is. I think my husband and I mutually have more invested in other activities than in our sex with each other. Sometimes I can see that my husband cares and puts more effort into his tennis game than being a great lover! I do the same in other things. I guess that tells you how complicated sex can be between two people, and I think ‘success’ depends greatly on the kind of intimacy you share overall.”
“The feeling that it is a chore; that it's just another thing I am ‘required’ to do to be a good wife.”
“My husband comes too quickly.”
“I'm just so darn tired it's always the same yawn.”
“Being rejected when I initiate - basically I no longer initiate.”
“When the idea of it makes me feel lazy or when in a bad communication phase with partner, it can maybe be a little bleak.”
“Absolutely nothing.”
“The after-cleanup.”
9. Describe the ideal conditions necessary to put you in the mood for sex (i.e., the dishes are put away and so are the kids).
DADS
“There really is no exclusion criteria.”
“Awake.”
“Just worked out and feeling fit....the house is calm.”
MOMS
“A long break from the kids; being in a different location (out of the house); perhaps a different partner.”
“Any type of liquor always helps! And kids have to be sleeping, they are too big and nosey!”
“Alcohol. A sex scene. Heck, if I haven't had sex in a while, the wind will turn me on.”
“Someone other than my husband.”
“Kids at my parents, definitely. I'm just still not accustomed to making time for anything in my life besides the two of them, their day, their needs, etc...so, we really do have to have a day to ourselves for me to feel totally relaxed enough to think about it.”
“Rested and on good terms (everyone feeling loved and appreciated).”
“Housekeeping done; child in bed or being babysat with grandparents; no worries and on good terms with hubby.”
“Kids are asleep, I'm awake. I mean, really awake.”
“Domestic chores done without nagging = foreplay, enough physical rest = mood setting romantic date = great possibilities.”
“The house is clean; I’ve done all my errands; I'm a little tipsy.”
“The house is clean, my daughter is sleeping at someone else's house and my husband and I have been out to see or hear something fun & stimulating and/or to a nice dinner with real utensils and alcohol.”
“I'm not asleep ;-)”
“So long as I'm not angry with my husband about something, I'm in the mood.”
“My partner has been emotionally and mentally there for me. When he's been so busy and gruff, I'm completely put off.”
“Both of us are in a good mood, the child is in front of the TV (or another state), and the husband is determined to make it happen.”
10. Is there any one thing your partner does now, or you would like them to do, that would turn you on?
DADS
“Oral sex and anal sex would be nice from time to time. There really is no reason to have to now go through life without that.”
“Breathe.”
“Became a massage therapist and gave me a pro massage.”
“When she returns from the ladies room at a restaurant and she drops her thong in my lap as she sits down.”
“No partner (currently). I, however, do everything right.”
MOMS
“This is anonymous, right? When I have a partner, I like to be woken up to sex, whether he's going to town or already inside me when I come to reality. I think I'll go play with myself now...”
“Spend more time with me beforehand so I don't feel like I'm in bed with a stranger. Get me drunk, ply me with chocolate, show humor + confidence.”
“When he initiates and is really ‘into’ it (like when he moans when he goes down on me, nothing is sexier than knowing he gets off by making me cum) — sorry to be so graphic...I couldn't help it!”
“He is a total turn-on...and a total "pleaser"...and I'm sorry I don't give him as much sex as he wants/needs; it's easier for men to say "f#$k everything else" and just relax (or else they don't need to be relaxed to have sex and enjoy it!!)”
“Anything is better than waking me up when I’m sleeping!”
“Leave me alone.”
“Make me feel like I'm wonderful.”
“Speak tenderly and be thoughtful —even when he's not trying to turn me on.”
“It's great when my partner is aggressive; it's sexy and is just the thing I need to snap me out of my end-of-day lethargy.”
“Oral sex is a must for me (reciprocal is what gets me going). Without it I don't orgasm. I would also like husband to be more romantic and pay more attention to me like he did when we were just dating.”
“Help more (with everything!)”
“I try to get my husband to wear boxer shorts (he's a tighty-whitey guy), which I think are sexy. Also, I'd like it if he initiated more (I'm more the aggressor). I love it when he gropes me during random times during the day or passionately kisses me on the neck even when we can't let it lead to sex.”
“When he looks directly at me and I can see that he loves me.”
“Be more affectionate: do little things like, hold my hand as we walk, more hugs and kisses, a little squeeze now and again.”
“If I were picking theme song lyrics to describe [us], I might be a bit more ‘Wham, bam, thank-you m'am’ - my husband is a more ‘In Your Eyes.’”
“I would like him to clean the dishes and make dinner. He never makes dinner, but does the dishes often.”
“Grab me.”
“I'd like him to be adventurous, surprise me with something like lingerie or a dirty email —that never happens. Also, a manicure would be greatly appreciated!”
“Touch and caress me.”
“Clean up after himself.”
“Act out fantasies without freaking out. Sex is every bit as much, if not more, of a mind-thing as a physical-thing. Removing the freaking out part and just playing would be a huge turn on.”
“He once lit candles and gave me a 45 minute full body massage to get me in the mood...it worked!”
“Improved emotional connection would help a lot...as a stay-at-home mom, I need his support and compassion.”
RETURN TO THE TOP
Juggling Too Much?
by Jennifer Kirsch
I never used to reach the bottom of my to-do list. Worse, it seemed to grow each day as I added more tasks than I accomplished and crossed off. Like a consumer faced with escalating debt, I sank ever deeper in mounting responsibilities and commitments. Soon, I would have to pull an all-nighter to get back on top of things. Sadly, foregoing a night of sleep seemed a viable option, even considering the lack of shut-eye I normally averaged. Most nights, my thoughts would scurry from one sphere of my life to another, surveying my mental calendar, marshalling upcoming events, revisiting conversations, composing emails, and allowing me little rest.
Was I juggling too much? With only two children and limited work hours, I expected a smooth ride. Feeling overburdened and overwhelmed, I started investigating why my calendar had overflowed. My observations suggested that modern parents are overloaded. For starters, childtrendsdatabank.org reports that children participate in more after-school activities than ever, leaving parents to coordinate schedules, buy gear and provide transportation to events. Lamenting the tendency of today’s parents to over-schedule their children in her essay “Why Parenting Eats at Mom and Dad,” Rosa Brooks terms this practice “intensive parenting,” labeling it “insane.” Religious institutions provide another example, according to pewforum.org. As attendance at services wanes, responsibilities in congregations fall on a smaller pool of members, increasing each volunteer’s load. Several houses of worship I have attended offered DIY Sunday school programs, counting on parents to establish classes, order materials and teach their own children. Even schools have contributed to parents’ harried state. A few decades ago, my district’s parent-teacher association consisted of fifteen committees. Today, that number has shot to a hyperactive fifty-eight as parents organize lunch programs, raise funds for playground equipment and manage numerous other events and services.
Naturally, these developments come at a price. Besides depleting me of energy during the day, an über-busy lifestyle jeopardized my family. When jugglers grow tired or lose interest, they drop things. Although I preferred to bedazzle onlookers with a flawless routine, by tackling more than I could handle, I risked letting my children and marriage slip through my fingers and shatter to pieces. Unless I downshifted soon, I feared facing wreckage: losing patience; forgetting common courtesies; missing appointments; becoming dependent on sleep-aids; suffering anxiety attacks; hitting the bottle on rough days. Furthermore, a National Sleep Foundation study detailed at sleepfoundation.org reported that my condition was widespread among American women.
To avoid a crash, I embarked on a life-simplifying mission. Shoot for 90% became my mantra or, as nationally-known clinical psychologist Wendy Mogel advises in her book, The Blessing of a Skinned Knee, “Strive to be a ‘good enough’ parent, not a great one. It can make everyone in the family relax and paradoxically make life richer.” Just say no helped, too, as I declined invitations and relinquished committee controls to other up-and-comers. Lower the bar also proved an effective strategy. On my playgroup rotation, instead of continuing the trend of providing elaborate refreshments, I served store-bought mini-muffins, announcing I would be the act that was easy to follow. In her book Cereal for Dinner, Kristine Breese gives a thumbs-up to food preparation shortcuts, observing, “It has been said that busy moms keep the fast-food industry solvent…Life is often too hectic for us to get a well-balanced meal on the table every night – or even four nights out of seven.”
Keeping sight of the essential also cut me some slack. I began to fret less each night about details. Clearly, my shortcomings would prevent me from ever achieving super-mom status. I resolved, therefore, simply to show my children I loved them. A community workshop I attended on homework issues underscored this theme as the discussion group concluded that preserving the parent-child relationship was more important than completing assignments perfectly every night.
Finally, admitting my limitations proved beneficial as well. After I confessed, “My children have not eaten anything green for a week,” a friend complained about the taxing morning she had spent with her children and joked about posting a “Child for Sale” sign outside her house. Commiserating with co-jugglers, recognizing that bad days make good stories and laughing about the comical side of circumstances, gave us a break from our frenzied existence and certainly fostered a spirit of support rather than one-upmanship.
Having felt stretched for years as a mother in this age of extreme parenting, I once theorized that there is simply not enough time in each day for marriage, work, family, and my own interests. A direct corollary concluded that someone – either my husband, boss, children, or myself – would not get the attention they deserve today. Now, armed with more realistic expectations -- plus a little humor -- I have found a rhythm to my routine. Additionally, a once bleary-eyed mom has rediscovered sound sleep.
When not losing sleep over her children’s agendas and antics, Jennifer Kirsch, a former software developer, currently pursues free-lance writing projects in and around her community in Livingston, NJ.
RETURN TO THE TOP
DoulaMomma
by Kim Collins
Today, I picked up my son from preschool and saw that they had made early Father’s Day cards covered with cut-out pictures of ties, tools and BBQ grills. Is this what represents a father? Hardly.
The birth doulas and midwives I know who do more than occasional births, the ones who consistently serve several families every month, generally have spouses or partners who are incredibly supportive of what we do, which is good because our work can be tough on marriages and families. Sure, sometimes our partners may wish we had predictable schedules or that we didn’t have to ask them to come home early or go in late because we have to leave at 3 a.m. and don’t know when we will be back. But for the most part, they share our belief that what we do is important and even sacred. My birth community is grieving the loss of one such husband and father. I’d like to share with you a remarkable doula couple, Stacey and “Duke” Gregg.
Duke was truly Stacey’s partner. He held down the fort often so that she could head out into the night for births or off to a rally or meeting with the purpose of honoring, enriching or saving women’s and babies’ lives. Stacey has been a birth doula and tireless advocate for reproductive rights, increasing awareness of the cesarean epidemic and any other topic impacting maternal health that you can imagine. As a doula and board member of NOW NJ (National Organization for Women), she spearheaded a movement that prompted our governor to enact an annual NJ Cesarean Awareness Month and make certain vital health statistics more easily available. Many of the articles written on birth in New Jersey papers were there because Stacey pestered health reporters and fed them information. Almost every time I have gone down to Trenton to protest, meet with liaisons from the governor’s office or to testify before our elected officials, it’s usually because Stacey has called. Stacey was able to do all of this, in large part because Duke helped make her work a family priority.
As kind of a macho, Harley Davidson-riding guy, I’m sure some would be surprised to learn of Duke’s deep connection to birth. The message letting our community know of Duke’s passing read, “Duke wasn’t just a really supportive doula husband; he was, at heart, a believer in the power of birth. His greatest joy was being a father to his two sons, Luke (ten) and Kyle (eight). The happiest days of his life were the births of his boys and he loved to tell their birth stories! He didn't just witness their entry into the world, he caught his sons: Luke at the (former, out-of-hospital) Childbirth Center in Englewood and Kyle, who was the very first water birth at Hackettstown Hospital. Aside from getting his motorcycle ;-), Duke’s proudest moments were welcoming his children into the world, being the first, along with Stacey to put his hands on his sons.”
Most women I know complain about their husbands -- at least sometimes. But, I don’t think I ever heard complaints from Stacey. What I recall is her speaking lovingly of her Duke; they eloped young and were ten years into marriage before they were finally blessed with a baby they worked so hard to conceive. Their warm home is filled with fertility symbols left over from this time. They had been married for about twenty years when they got the news last year that Duke was sick. He had worked in construction for most of his life and had been exposed to asbestos. That was the only explanation for the mesothelioma that invaded his lungs. He had a radical operation to remove cancerous lung tissue and underwent traditional and alternative treatments. Stacey stopped taking doula clients and stayed home to care for her husband, with a focus on organic foods and staying positive. Though she continued some women’s heath advocacy, at least remotely, most of her fighting was reserved for trying to get Duke’s care providers to work and communicate with each other regarding his care and to manifest some hope. She was also by Duke’s side as he underwent several days of depositions in a lawsuit against those who exposed Duke and countless others to asbestos. During depositions, Duke was asked how this disease had impacted his marriage; rather than giving a litany of negatives as a result of the illness, he simple said, “(our marriage is) stronger than ever.”
The irony is not lost on Stacey that Duke’s battle with mesothelioma ended nine months after diagnosis. In the time that it takes to gestate new life, Duke’s life drew to a close. Just as some wish to birth at home, to be in familiar surroundings, making the call about who is there, they wanted Duke to die at home. This was not to be, as he needed hydration, and they went to the hospital, not knowing the end was so close. They did manage, however, to have family surround them and tried to speak only of love rather than regret in Duke’s final hours. There is a fantastic picture Stacey took of her dear, smiling friend holding onto Duke’s feet. If I hadn’t known the context I would have assumed it was taken at a birth.
When women give birth, they often need to tell and retell their birth stories. To recount the details and get the words just right, burn it into their memory. Many times, I will need to spend time with clients processing a previous birth before we can begin to plan for the one that is to come. Death, it seems, is not so different. When I went to see Stacey, a few days after Duke died, I didn’t know what to expect. I guess I thought we might cry together. But when I got arrived, Stacey had many family members around, folks who were uncomfortable with how Stacey needed to grieve. Like a new mother, Stacey needed to tell me the story of Duke’s death. She showed me a makeshift alter of some things that represent him, not unlike an area of intention a home birthing mother might make. We looked at so many pictures. Pictures from their wedding day and snaps that one takes for no reason, as well as events from the past nine months Stacey captured to share with Duke when he was too sick to come along. One especially poignant picture is of Duke, thin and frail, breathing his portable oxygen and sitting in the car pulled up close so he could watch his son’s baseball game. We also looked at pictures of Duke after he died, peaceful and quiet. It was him, but not him, she said.
Stacey asked me, with sparkling eyes, if I wanted to see where Duke was. In thinking about how to hold Duke’s ashes, she realized she already had the most unique urn imaginable. She took me out to the garage and opened up the saddlebags of his shiny Harley. She showed me that one side was just as he had left it, with his jacket and helmet. The other side had just enough room for Duke’s ashes. She asked me to feel the weight of him, how surprisingly heavy his ashes were. This is where they will stay for now. She said that maybe when the boys are much older she will pass Duke’s Harley onto their sons, but until then, it’s still all his.
Not surprisingly, Duke requested that people not send flowers after he died, but instead to donate to ICAN (International Cesarean Awareness Network) of Morris County in his memory. Duke’s life will be celebrated soon on what would have been his 49th birthday.
International Cesarean Awareness Network
www.ican-online.org
Search under “Find Local Chapters” for Morris County, NJ.
Kim Collins, also known as DoulaMomma, lives with her husband and three sons in South Orange. A “reformed” attorney, she now teaches childbirth classes, counsels on birth options, creates belly casts, and works as a birth doula. Reach her at doulamomma1@hotmail.com. Want more Kim? Read her new blog at http://doulamomma.blogspot.com.
RETURN TO THE TOP
The Modern Parent's Essential Library:
Top Ten Non-Medical Books
by Bridget Roy Sarubin
I am a 42 year old mom of two young boys aged five and two and I've read or skimmed through a huge collection of baby and parenting advice books. As my own parents were barely out of their teens when I was born and were divorced by the time I entered my teens, their parenting "skills" were minimal. When I chose to have children later in life, I vowed to deeply educate myself about the many different ways to be a great parent.
I’ve listed the books that have quite literally changed my life (and those of my children). Some of them are radically different in their approach, but they each gave me information that I had never seen anywhere else and helped open my eyes to completely new ideas. I'd love to help spread the word about these fantastic books.
(1) Raising Lifelong Learners - A Parent's GuideBy Lucy Calkins with Lydia Bellino
This is the one non-health related book that I (and now my husband) read over and over, adding more underlines to the dog-eared pages each time. This book is a day-to-day handbook for parenting our boys. It explains how to look at everyday activities with our kids and enhance them in subtle ways. Things like choosing a pet and finding a hobby, to playtime with LEGOS, can become a learning tool for a child. If I could, I would move the authors into our house.
(2) Becoming The Parent You Want To Be - A Sourcebook of Strategies for the First Five Years By Laura Davis and Janis Keyser
A modern day, open-minded book about parenting. This books deals with issues like emotions, relationships, modern families, sexism/sexuality, conflict management, aggression, discipline, and more.
(3) Your Self-Confident Baby By Magda Gerber
Brilliantly simple and stunningly radical ideas. While I strongly disagreed with a few of the concepts in the book, the main message of not interfering with your baby’s natural development completely changed how I approached my second child's infancy, for example: avoiding the stunting of baby’s normal muscular development through "containerizing," which I had unwittingly been doing by using bouncy seats, baby swings and excersaucers etc., as a first time mom.
(4) The Read Aloud Handbook By Jim Trelease
I would partner this book with Raising Lifelong Learners (above) as absolute must-reads. If we are making the effort to read to our children, to help them love stories and books, then this is a crash-course in simple things parents can do to dramatically maximize the positive effects of reading with their kids.
(5) The Girlfriends’ Guide To....(Pregnancy, Toddlers, Gear, Playdates, etc.)
By Vicki Iovine
All Hail Queen Vicki; the Erma Bombeck of parenting books! Brutally honest and hilarious. Vicki’s Guide books are100% guaranteed to talk about issues you will not see anyone else touch upon by a mile.
(6) The Attachment Parenting Book By William and Martha Sears
The "bible" on the holistic approach to parenting, covering topics of nursing, babywearing, co-sleeping, and more.
(7) The Vaccine Book: Making The Right Decision For Your Child By Robert Sears
The latest facts on the pros and cons about each vaccine and the diseases they're designed to protect against and why a parent might want to give -- or not give -- a particular vaccine to their child. A seemingly non-biased book that’s eye-opening and easy to understand. I don't make a visit to the pediatrician without consulting it beforehand.
(8) Last Child In The Woods: Saving Our Children From Nature Deficit Disorder
By Richard Louv
A fascinating examination of the current state of childhood in America and the dramatic reduction of kids’ exposure to nature and playing outdoors. Especially interesting are the points about how and why things have changed from the “push the kids out the back door and call them home for dinner time” of the 1950's to the ills of our current days (litigious society means no more tree-forts, encroaching development on neighborhood open space empty lots, sexual predator/abduction fears etc). This book has inspired me to leave parts of my own small suburban backyard as "wild" as possible so my kids can dig in the dirt and hide under tree branches and to pursue regular access to more natural forested park areas, camping and beyond.
(9) Raising Cain: Protecting The Emotional Life of Boys By Dan Kindlon and Michael ThompsonReviving Ophelia: Saving The Selves of Adolescent Girls
by Mary Pipher and Ruth Ross
In my mind, these books are the clarion call for awareness and change of the huge and confusing gender prejudices including those placed against boys. Also interesting, the second book covers the hyper-sexualization and over-rapid expectations of the maturity of girls in our current media obsessed world.
(10) The Case Against Homework: How Homework Is Hurting Children and What Parents Can Do About It By Sara Bennett and Nancy Kalish
If I won the lottery, I’d send a copy of this book to every school board member, principal and teacher in the USA. It equates the state of the current homework burden on children to everything from diminished quality family time, reduction of reading books for pleasure and even adding to the growing childhood obesity epidemic by keeping kids from having any time for running and playing. I have a child about to enter public school kindergarten and this has me scared to death and ready to prepare to battle against worthless, busywork homework.
*BONUS BOOKS*
Recently, I’ve read two books teaching me how to make the world a better and healthier place for our children and our grandchildren.
* The Omnivore's Dilemma by Michael Pollan
* Animal, Vegetable, Miracle by Barbara Kingsolver
Both of these books have changed my family’s eating habits, forever. My perspective about food-purchasing choices and my views on food and farming have entirely changed.
These books are entertaining and fascinating studies of CAFO’s —Concentrated Animal Feeding Operations. These “farms” are run on petroleum-dependent, genetically modified corn and chemically "managed" animals and crops. Both books illustrate how CAFO’s carry far-reaching and negative impacts on the global environment and human health.
Now, as much as possible, I buy grass-fed beef, pasture-grazed cow's milk, organic chicken, and organic fruits and vegetables. I also seek out the most local, sustainable farms and food suppliers that are available. Our planet and our children's future depend upon making changes to the way we grow and process food.
Bridget Sarubin is mom to Leo and Calvin and wife to Josh. The science and superhero obsessed Sarubin-household also includes four pet chickens, two tadpoles and a whole lot of action figures. In addition to being a contributing writer for The MotherHood, Bridget is also the "Host-Mom" for Baby Loves Disco in Montclair, NJ, (www.babylovesdisco.com) and the owner of Kidstuff PR, a family friendly, parent & child targeted public-relations company. A former VP of Marketing for Columbia Records she can be reached at Kidstuffpr@gmail.com.
RETURN TO THE TOP
Global Adoption Climate Report
by Carol Schlitt
* All footnotes appear at the very end of the article.
**For an extensive report on the state of international adoption in several countries, read Carol’s column from issue #1, here.
Following a dramatic increase in global adoption by American families, many programs are now in danger of closing. Vietnam is a case in point. In the previous issue, I reported that inter-country adoption with Vietnam was at risk. Today, Vietnam’s program is in crisis and most adoption agencies are no longer accepting new applications for adoption from Vietnam.
The crisis, which was looming because of the pending expiration of the Memorandum of Agreement (MOA) between Vietnam and the US, was brought to a head by the US government’s intention to allow the MOA to lapse due to its concerns about corruption, fraud and baby-selling in the Vietnamese adoption process reported by the US Embassy in Hanoi. On April 24, 2008, The Associated Press published the nine-page report, making the Embassy’s allegations public.
The history of inter-country adoption between the US and Vietnam has been a rocky one. In 2003, the US government suspended all adoptions from Vietnam because of concerns about corruption. In 2006, a bilateral agreement between the US and Vietnam was negotiated to address those issues and the adoption process was reinstated. That agreement is set to expire on September 1st of this year. Given renewed concerns about corruption and abuse, the US government informed the Vietnamese government in March of its intention not to renew the current MOA, which will result in the suspension of the Vietnam program.
In accordance with Vietnamese law, international adoptions cannot proceed in absence of a bilateral agreement. In order to transition out of inter-country adoption with the US, the Vietnamese government announced on April 25, 2008, that it would allow adoptions to be completed in cases where the prospective adoptive parents have been matched with a child and received an official referral prior to September 1. However, they would suspend the acceptance of all new dossiers on July 1, 2008.1
On September 1, any dossier that has not received a referral will be closed and returned to the adoption service provider. Due to the processing time for new applications, an adoption process begun now could not be completed before the current MOA expires and, thus, most adoption agencies are no longer accepting dossiers for their Vietnam programs.
Adoption experts fear that if the MOA is allowed to expire, it could be as long as two years before a new agreement is in place. This lapse could impact not only inter-country adoption, but all children’s services, including humanitarian services, educational sponsorships, health initiatives, and clean water programs that benefit children. Often, social services are provided by the same agencies engaged in finding US families for Vietnamese orphans. Gongzhan Wu, Asian Program Manager and Director of the New York Office of the Gladney Center for Adoption noted “many people feel that it would be in the best interests of the children to revise the current MOA and improve upon it, in its present framework, rather than negotiate another agreement.”
The Joint Council of International Children’s Services, a membership organization that includes nonprofits such as Ethica, a leader in ethical adoption, have called upon the US and Vietnamese governments to reach a solution that would “end corruption but not a child’s right to a family”.2 On May 21, 2008, The Joint Council launched A Child’s Right Campaign for Vietnam and proposed recommendations to address corruption and protect the integrity of Vietnamese families, while safeguarding the right of every child to a family. It advocates a two-pronged approach that will (a) eliminate the potential for corruption and (b) continue services to children.
Thomas DiFilipo, President and CEO of the Joint Council noted: “There are a lot of serious ethical and legal issues that need to be addressed and we have developed a Standard of Practice for all adoption service providers to ensure ethical practices, secure a transparent process and prevent actions of adoption abuse, but we also need to help orphans and not create them.” Joint Council is currently urging the governments of Vietnam and the US to improve the existing MOA and build on our established relationship with Vietnam. They are hopeful that the active involvement of adoptive parents and agencies can make a difference: “We need to remember that this is about creating families,” emphasized Mr. DiFilipo.
As part of its advocacy campaign, the Joint Council is urging the Co-Chairs of the Congressional Coalition on Adoption, (Senators Mary Landrieu and Norm Coleman; and Congresspersons James Oberstar and Ginny Brown-Waite) to ensure that the current MOA does not expire while negotiations proceed on a new agreement with Vietnam. Among their recommendations are (1) an interim MOA that incorporates tenants consistent with the Hague Convention3 (2) allocation of resources to protect children and families from trafficking and abuse; (3) requirement of ethical standards of practice for all US-based adoption service providers; and (4) annual reporting to Congress on the status of the bilateral agreement until Vietnam fully ratifies the Hague Convention. In addition, the Joint Council is petitioning Secretary Condoleezza Rice and encouraging all adoptive families, child advocacy groups and supporters to contact their Senators and Representatives to advocate on behalf of A Child’s Right Campaign for Vietnam.4 They intend to deliver their petition signed by more than 3,000 adoptive parents and agencies to Congress next week.
This current crisis in inter-country adoption is devastating for many families, particularly in light of the recent dramatic increase in adoption from Vietnam and many other countries. For example, in 2007, adoptions from Vietnam increased more than 400 percent from the previous year. From January 2007 to March 31, 2008, American families adopted more than 1,200 Vietnamese children. Though China remains the most popular country for international adoption, a growing number of families had turned to Vietnam because of the program’s shorter waiting time and fewer restrictions.
Now, however, adoption from Vietnam has become significantly more difficult. A recent article in The New York Times on global adoption reported that “[A]doption experts say that international adoptions have become more tortuous to pursue.”5 While inter-country adoption remains a wonderful way to grow your family, it has become increasingly risky and unpredictable as countries grapple with ways to meet the demands of increased international scrutiny on the process, often with few resources and within short timeframes. It is best to check with your adoption agency for the latest information. Adoption agencies used by members of this community include:
Gladney Center for Adoption
363 Seventh Avenue, 3rd Floor
New York, NY 10001
Tel: (212) 868-4561
Fax: (212) 868-4566
www.adoptionsbygladney.com
Homestudies & Adoption Placement Services (HAPS)
668 American Legion Drive
Teaneck, NJ 07666
Tel: (201) 836-5554
Fax: (201) 836-0204
www.haps.org
Holt International Children’s Services
P.O. Box 2880
1195 City View
Eugene, OR 97402
Tel: (541) 678-2202
Fax: (541) 683-6175
www.holtinternational.org
Spence-Chapin Services to Families and Children
410 East 92nd Street
New York, NY 10128
Tel: (212) 369-0300
www.spence-chapin.org
For an extensive report on the state of international adoption in several countries, read Carol’s column from issue #1, here.
Carol Schlitt is an international human rights lawyer currently consulting with the Open Society Institute and The US Human Rights Fund on strategic grantmaking, program planning and evaluation. She lives in West Orange with her husband Alan Morley, a tenant lawyer, and their two year old son Elliott who was adopted from Guatemala. Carol can be reached at carolschlitt@comcast.net.
FOOTNOTES
1 For more information regarding the suspension of dossier acceptance, see the U.S. Embassy’s website: http://vietnam.usembassy.gov/adoption_warning0408.html.
2 Letter of Joint Council on International Children’s Services, dated May 21, 2008, page 2.
3 The Hague Convention established a set of internationally agreed upon minimum procedures to prevent abduction, sale or trafficking of children. It requires, among other things, establishment of a Central Adoption Authority, registration of all adoptable children, and accreditation or approval of adoption agencies. For the complete text of The Hague Convention see: Senate Treaty Doc. 105-51; 32 International Legal Materials 1139 (1993); for interpretations of the Convention’s requirements and procedures and impact on US adoption agencies see: http://travel.state.gov/family/adoption/convention/convention_462.html.
4 For further information on A Child’s Right Campaign for Vietnam, contact the Joint Council at www.jcics.org, (703) 535-8045, or the Congressional Coalition for Adoption Institute at (202) 544-8500. You may send an email in support of the campaign to advocate@jcics.org. To contact your Senator or Representative, you may locate their phone number and email address at www.senate.gov or www.house.gov. Emails are important, but calls should be placed first.
5 “To Adopt, Please Press Hold”, The New York Times, June 5, 2008, page G1.
RETURN TO THE TOP
|
|
| |
|
 |
|
