Maplewood residents Clain and Bryan Thomson-DiPalma are the owners of Clain Pilates Plus and the proud parents of one incredible little boy. Clain is a Certified Pilates Instructor, and Bryan is a teaching member of Alexander Technique Education Inc. and Alexander Technique International. This year they join The MotherHood Magazine as columnists, writing about the unique challenges and rewards of two-father families.
Q: How will the passage of the marriage act change the lives of you, your partner and your family? BY BRYAN THOMSON-DIPALMA
A: Forms. Agonizing over which box to check…no Civil Union box…. but we were told that we have the same rights as married couples. I guess we are married so I’ll check the ‘Married’ box. There were the lists of documents we filed with our lawyer to legitimize our relationship – to protect our family – best to err on the side of safety we decided. You never know how this is going to play out and, as we’ve seen in other states, one minute you are married and then next, well, you are in limbo. Clain signed up for the email alerts from the American Family Association - he believes it is important to know what your enemies are up to - I happened to check his email one day and opened one from the AFA. Sounded like such a nice friendly group, a group dedicated to families… how wrong could I be? If anyone is out to destroy our family, it is this lovely group of individuals. So much time, energy and money dedicated to ensuring inequality. That sure made us commit to putting every legal protection in place to ensure no one could “tear us asunder.” I tell my friends (most of who are heterosexual) and they are really amazed at what we’ve undertaken. I was telling some of the young people I work with about the importance of marriage equality, but in their eyes it isn’t an issue — it doesn’t impact them at all. “Okay, so a guy walks into a bar” I venture, “and he starts doing tequila shots and pretty soon he’s feeling no pain. He hooks up with a cute young woman and, before they know it, they’re doing the drive-through wedding in Vegas.” Suddenly, they have all of these rights and protections bestowed upon them that we can’t have. We’ve boldly proclaimed our “Civil Union” status in various situations in our home state only to have people stare blankly back at us. So, we spell it out and still they are confused. I guess they didn’t get the memo. Then there’s my family in Australia who have trouble keeping track of it all. “But aren’t you married already?” my sister asks.
“No, that was the Civil Union.” Just kind of rolls off your tongue — are we ‘civilized’ or ‘unionized.’
“So what was the first one?”
“Oh, that was the Domestic Partnership,” I say.
“What did that do? I’m confused.”
“So are we” I admit.
Pretty soon, we’re all confused and she just wants to know that our son is safe and nothing can ever change that. We’re all on the same page there. Well meaning friends recommend we marry in Vermont or Massachusetts, somewhere we don’t live. But, we’re holding out for marriage in our own home state. It still doesn’t affect us federally. I’ve become quite the expert on paperwork, applying for permanent residency while finalizing our adoption and legitimizing our relationship in the eyes of the law. It would be a narrow specialty but I definitely could consult in these aspects of law. If we had a federal marriage act then my legal status would have been much easier…again, only if I were straight. But like they say, you love who you love.
Q: How will the passage of the marriage act change the lives of you, your partner and your family? BY CLAIN THOMSON-DIPALMA
A: I expect that our relationship will finally be recognized and we will be treated as married in the eyes of all... laws, states, businesses, policies, and organizations. This also will give us the power to legally fight if anyone does not treat us as such. This is particularly important regarding Social Security benefits, health insurance and hospital visitation rights. Immigration is not included, but it should be — still one more right/benefit to fight for. My partner is not yet a U.S. citizen, so it is something that has affected us directly. What I want is for our family to be seen as equal, which, of course, we already are locally in Maplewood, but not on paper for any social situations. We have done so much paperwork to get around that: paid for name changes, health care proxies, living wills, explicitly taking care of our family. The extra work required in explaining our relationship should be unnecessary. This will also assist our legitimacy as a family in the eyes of the larger American community. We know we are a family, but some of America still does not wish to recognize our status. There are people in America who are still working to nullify our family status. I believe it is an important public relations matter; it is public opinion that needs to be informed. Having the power of law to enforce behavior may encourage segments of the public to give up the animosity they feel when they see it is not to be tolerated in our society. It is so important to my partner and me that our son also experience full equality in all areas of his life. He needs to feel that our family is equal to all other families and that we are given the same respect, rights and protections as all families. We can put all of our legal documents in place but nothing can make us fully equal until the passing of gay marriage.
