Navigate the Puberty Maze
By Jennifer Grolemund
Family Man: Extending Our Definition of Family
By Eric Elting
* * * INTRODUCING TWO NEW COLUMNS! * * *
MotherLoad
The true-life adventures of a Working Mother.
by April Woodard
The Fit Parent
Are you strong enough for parenthood?
by Tim Reynolds
* * * WELCOME TO THE ADOPTIONHOOD * * *
In each issue, Ellen Kahaner reports on local and domestic adoption issues and Carol Schlitt forecasts the global adoption climate.
The AdoptionHood
by Ellen Kahaner
The Global Adoption Climate Report
by Carol Schlitt
* * * * * * * ** * * * * * * ** * * * * * * *
Helping Pre-Teens & Teens Navigate the Puberty Maze
by Jennifer Grolemund
I am certain every adult would agree that the onset of puberty and adolescence is a tumultuous, uncertain, yet, exciting time in one’s life. We all wear battle scars from our own experiences and we want nothing more than to shield our children from the same confusion and emotional upheaval (and bad haircuts and poor fashion choices!) that we endured. Yet, let’s face it, no matter how hard we try, our kids will stumble during this time in their lives. Just remember, it is also a time of great possibilities, learning and growing. In fact, I would be willing to bet that along with the cringe-factor, most adults have warm memories of things like their first crush, first school dance, first kiss, and other coming-of-age tales. Recollecting childhood innocence and naivety is a kind of bittersweet nostalgia that makes our youth such a special memory. We may worry, though, that preteens and teens today are more savvy and knowledgeable than we were and we may wonder, as parents and educators, how to handle this.
For many years, I had the opportunity to teach preteens about the “human body” as part of the middle school science curriculum at a small, private school. Each year, the fifth graders and I delved into topics about the social, emotional and physical changes associated with puberty and adolescence and learned about things like peer pressure, the menstrual cycle, intercourse, pregnancy, and more. The students were so attentive; you could literally hear a pin drop. One of the techniques I used to facilitate dialogue was the implementation of a “question box.” After each class, every student was given the opportunity to add an anonymous question to the box and I would promise to answer the question during the next class. The question box was a huge hit and the types of questions varied greatly, making for wonderful class discussions. Boys and girls alike wondered about everything from eating disorders and fad diets to body hair and breast/genital size to sex and sexually transmitted diseases. (Yes, this was the fifth grade.)
Each year, I noticed one thing over and over. The students knew a lot more than they initially let on and certainly much more than their well-intentioned parents imagined. Preteens are very good at acting clueless or maintaining innocence at home and then chuckling about the latest dirty joke with their friends. Of course, this is all normal behavior and curiosity is an essential ingredient during these formative years. My only concern was that kids needed real answers to their ever evolving questions and clarity about the rumors passed around the school yard or the tidbits passed down from older siblings, even long after my question box was shelved for the next year’s class. Parents repeatedly came to me to share this same concern and sought to find ways to address these topics with their kids and help them to make informed decisions, but often confessed that their kids tended to shy away from conversations about sexuality and body image at home. We all agreed that misinformation can lead to confusion, anxiety and/or unsafe behavior and can make kids feel overwhelmed and vulnerable.
In an effort to pull together useful resources, I began to work on a list of book titles for preteens and teens, as well as the parents and educators who wanted to offer support to the kids in their. Of course, books can’t replace personal dialogue, but they can come in handy as introductory ice-breakers and/or reference materials, especially when kids (or adults) get too tongue-tied to address these important issues head-on or they need a source of supplementary information. What follows is a sample reading list; so that you may help the young people in your life navigate puberty and adolescence with an armor of helpful information.
If you do select a book to share, please read through it first, so that you are familiar with the contents and comfortable with the level of information that it presents. Kids might blush when you hand them one of these books, but they’ll be grateful for your interest and you’ll be taking steps to open up communication and build trust. More importantly, when kids are given the opportunity to read in private and at their own pace, they will begin to feel more self-assured, as some of the puzzling mysteries of puberty and adolescence begin to gain clarity.
For Girls
The Care & Keeping of You: The Body Book for Girls (American Girl Library) by Valorie Schaefer
A good primer for younger girls (ages 8 – 11) focusing on health and hygiene, not sexuality. Adults that want young girls to learn about body care, but initially avoid the topic of sex, will appreciate the wholesome quality of this book, which covers topics like hair care, pimples, exercise, and nutrition.
It’s a Girl Thing: How to Stay Healthy, Safe, and In Charge by Mavis Jukes
This book will grab and hold the attention of girls (ages 11 and up) with its warm, honest tone, covering a broad spectrum of topics from bra size to sexually transmitted diseases. The abridged version, entitled Growing Up: It’s a Girl Thing, includes just the first four chapters.
What’s Happening to my Body? Book for Girls: A Growing up Guide for Parents and Daughters by Lynda Madaras & Area Madaras
A bestselling classic for pre-teens and teens. Dense with detailed information, clear illustrations (including female & male genitals), personal accounts, and a rich index, this book is a must have for both reading and reference.
For Boys
What’s Going on Down There? Answers to Questions Boys Find Hard to Ask by Karen Gravelle with Nick and Chava Castro
Written in a conversational tone, boys (ages 10 & up) are sure to feel at ease and engaged in learning. The comic-like illustrations add levity to topics like wet dreams, while the clear diagrams of male and female anatomy are easy to understand.
The Guy Book: An Owner’s Manual by Mavis Jukes
The chapter headings and illustrations may be a bit hokey, but the information is straightforward and clear. Discusses the basics of puberty (ages 12 & up), but also includes candid talk about masturbation, dating, sex, sexuality, and more.
What’s Happening to Body? Book for Boys: A Growing up Guide for Parents and Sons by Lynda Madaras & Area Madaras
Like the companion book for girls mentioned above, this bestseller is broad in scope, but richly informative.
For Both
Changing Bodies, Changing Lives: Expanded Third Edition: A Book for Teens on Sex and Relationships by Ruth Bell
(ages 13 & up)
Doing it Right: Making Smart, Safe, and Satisfying Choices About Sex by Bronwen Pardes
(ages 14 & up)
Another Great Resource
Sex, Etc. is an award-winning national magazine and website (www.sexetc.org) on sexual health that is written by teens, for teens (ages 14 – 19). It is part of the Teen-to-Teen Sexuality Education Project developed by Answer, a leading national organization dedicated to providing and promoting comprehensive sexuality education. Answer is part of the Center for Applied Psychology at Rutgers University.
Jennifer Grolemund is a science teacher/curriculum consultant turned stay-at-home mom that writes in her spare time. She holds a M.A. in Curriculum & Teaching from Columbia University and a B.A. in Human Ecology with a certificate in Biological Science Education from Rutgers University. She can be reached at jenniferg8@gmail.com for comment.
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Family Man
by Eric Elting
My son Easton, the proverbial early-riser, springs to life once the sun hits his window. He makes his bed, brushes his teeth and will even get himself breakfast long before my wife has found her first Monster energy drink of the day. My daughter, Mackenzie, moves at a slightly slower pace. The morning is something she only wants to see as she’s falling asleep.
Lunches are thrown together. We can’t use peanut butter, Easton doesn’t like meat, Mackenzie won’t eat that bread, we’re out of fruit roll-ups. In the car, in the car! Backing up—where’s your backpack? Crap. What do you mean did I sign your homework? No, we aren’t going to listen to Junie B. Jones- she sounds like an idiot. We’re late, again.
But honestly, we’re lucky. Both our kids like school and we usually arrive with smiling faces. And then—the silence. It’s cold outside. Did Mackenzie remember her jacket? Did I tell them that I love them? Is this what people mean when they say, “Enjoy them. They grow up so quickly.”
I grew up in Los Angeles as a child of a divorced family, not so unusual in 1977. It was probably more common than growing up with happily married parents with one exception; both my parents came out of the closet when I was ten.
My first memory of my Mom having a girlfriend (I refuse to be PC and say “partner”) was Vicki. She would go on to live with us for the better part of six years. Dad’s first was Dale, the bodybuilder.
My mother’s relationship with Vicki lasted about half as long as her marriage to my father. She was a high school counselor before studying for the bar and becoming an attorney. I remember having frequent arguments with her and not wanting to recognize her as yet another mother figure (having had an older sister and mother already). Leaving the toilet seat up during those years was an act punishable by death.
My Dad and Dale lived together for several years in Laguna Beach. As I think back on Dale, my most vivid memory of him was that he seemed to work out all the time. I noticed my dad doing that as well- going to the gym, running and eating right. I would later learn that it’s a virtual requirement of the community. While Dale was always kind to my sister and me, he was certainly challenged by having an eight and twelve year old around every other weekend.
And it was there in Laguna that I realized having gay parents wasn’t ‘normal.’ While visiting my dad’s house during the summer, I had a friend over to play. We must have both been nine and at one point he wanted to walk through the house. So, we went from my room, to my sister’s room, to the master bedroom and then he said, “Three beds? Where does your dad sleep?” And I pointed to the bed. Logically, he asked next, “Where does Dale sleep?” I froze.
Over the years, my parents have taken very different approaches to being “out.” To the best of my recollection, my father has always just put it out there. My mother, partially because she was the one raising us and partially because she was a public school teacher, was always much more reserved. That is until she met her soul mate, Gay. (Gay’s name alone was enough to finally put me in some much-needed therapy.)
My biggest issues were: How would the few people that knew about my parents’ sexuality perceive me and how I would survive if word ever got out to the larger community? But you know what? None of my friends—neither the stoners, the jocks, girlfriends, or casual passer-bys—ever threw it in my face. My greatest fear, the thing that kept me up at night, never once materialized. I suspect I underestimated them. I’m not so naive as to think they all thought it was “cool,” but I realized it just wasn’t that important to them—they had their own issues. That leads me back to something my father once said: “Eric, you only think your family is weird when the truth is, everyone’s family is weird.” While this has never comforted me when I hear someone using the word “fag” or “that’s gay” in derision, there is some truth there. I mean, really, doesn’t everyone have an interesting family story?
I remember ‘outing’ my mom to my future wife, Leslie, when we were dating. Apparently, it was not a revelation to her, but outing the second parent was an eye-opener! The hardest part was introducing them to her family, in particular, her stepfather (the former air force captain who thinks Rush Limbaugh is too liberal.) It made for an interesting wedding, challenging holidays and some stressful family dinners.
One might think that through the years, age and experience would make my anxiety go away and it did, a little. But then we had children. Have you ever tried to coordinate grandparent’s day for four sets of grandparents—two that are gay, two that are straight?
How do I tell my eight-year old son he’s too old to hug his buddies when he has seen one grandfather kiss the other? How will we instill the meaning of family and the importance of fidelity when two of their four sets of grandparents aren’t allowed to marry? How do I explain that if one grandparent got sick their partner might not be allowed to visit them in the hospital?
I know that people don’t ‘choose’ to be gay; they are born gay. The best analogy I’ve ever heard for coming to terms with your sexuality comes from my Dad. He said, “Imagine spending a large part of your life writing with your left hand and then one day writing with your right—and realizing that’s how you were supposed to be doing it all along.”
I was raised by four parents who chose, in both their personal and professional lives, to make the world a better place. They donated their time, efforts and money to caring for others. Being gay was the least important thing about them.
During this long election season, people are talking about morality, humanity and the future of our country. I hope the world my kids help create will be one of further understanding and acceptance. I know their unique upbringing and exposure to the real world will aid them in making it so.
Eric and his very extended family live in California.
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MotherLoad
by April Woodard
Along with reporting for Inside Edition, April Woodard is a staple at the MTV Video Music Awards, Tony Awards and Country Music Association Awards. April and her husband are the co-presidents of FAVOR Production, Inc. where they have recently completed a pilot for Cable TV. She and her childhood friend have written a series of children's books together and April has also contributed articles to Essence.com, Health Quest and Today's Child. April lives in the area with her husband and family and we welcome her to the pages of The MotherHood as our official working-mother columnist. She can be reached for comment at themotherhood@comcast.net.
I’m on a last-minute business trip to Dallas to cover a real-life “fatal attraction” story.
A woman had a brief affair with a man who tried to be everything her husband is not. She abruptly ended the relationship, but her ex-lover wasn’t ready to give her up and brutally killed her husband.
It sounds like bad movie, but to me it’s just another story I’m covering as a senior correspondent for the television show “Inside Edition.”
It’s my 10th anniversary working for the syndicated newsmagazine, which is somewhat surprising to me. When I left a reporting job at the NBC affiliate in Seattle to come to the Big Apple, my agent told me the “Inside Edition” gig would only last for about two years.
So, my family bought a house in the Maplewood/South Orange area with the expectation we would live here for a short time. We loved the easy commute to Manhattan, the great local parks and that there was a Starbucks in South Orange. (Now I didn’t feel too far away from Seattle!)
Somehow, I managed get on this airplane the same week that my husband had a business trip scheduled, leaving our two kids at home. Adrian, my supportive and sacrificing spouse, is usually the one to hold down the fort despite his demanding job as a vice president and senior sales specialist at JPMorgan Chase & Co.
In reality, my husband is a renaissance man stuck in corporate America. He’s an artist, architect, songwriter, and producer. (And he has brilliant TV programming ideas.) Together, we run our own production company -- FAVOR Multimedia -- and we are actively placing programming on a cable station near you.
I’ve loved Adrian since I was a 15-year-old girl from Virginia, not even allowed to date. I convinced him to love me back about 16 years ago and we’ve been married for a decade. He’s my best friend, my rock and one of the most secure men I know. He has to be -- I flirt with Brad Pitt for a living.
Adrian and I have many rules to keep our household running smoothly. One is that we try not to take overnight business trips at the same time. So it’s ironic that my husband is sitting two rows behind me on the flight to Dallas.
So, you may ask, how did we pull this off?
How do I work on TV, manage being Little A and Lexi’s Mom, Adrian’s wife, make appearances at celebrity parties, and be the keynote speaker at functions around the country?
The answer is: I have help -- some paid and some volunteer.
This time, Tara once again saves the day. Call her “T” for Terrific, Tenacious, Tada -- like magic sheeeeeeee’s Tara. There are not enough words to describe what Tara does for our family. For certain, she’s not just a babysitter and there’s not enough money in the world to pay her for the way she cares for our children
Tara and her daughter, Jessica (who’s our God daughter), have been living with us for about two years. When we parted ways with our former live in nanny and considered hiring a new one, Adrian and I went through the usual gut-wrenching dilemma of looking for someone who wouldn’t bring harm to our kids.
At the same time, Tara, a single mom was having concerns about Jessica, her biracial teenager. Jessica’s father, Michael (Adrian’s former best friend from high school), had been a ghost in Jessica’s life and it was affecting her behavior. Tara was unable to reach Jessica, but Adrian could.
When Adrian and Michael were in high school, they made a pact that they would never be like their own fathers -- fathers who were absent. Unfortunately, Michael dropped the ball, but Adrian picked it up while keeping his promise to his own children.
We all had something to gain from blending our two families. By moving in with us, we gained trusted friends with whom we felt comfortable watching over our children when we could not.
Meanwhile, Tara and Jessica gained the support of an extended family and Jessica now has a positive father figure in her life.
Though our unusual agreement involves exchanging money for living expenses and babysitting services, in return, we each get so much more than any amount of money could provide.
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The Fit Parent
by Tim Reynolds
A personal trainer for over ten years, Tim Reynolds has instructed clients from professional athletes to beginners in a variety of clubs throughout New York City. In 2006 he opened a one-on-one training studio, The Gym on Springfield, in Maplewood (thegymonspringfield.com). Do you have a fitness question? Email Tim at themotherhood@comcast.net.
Those old jeans aren’t getting any bigger!
A little bundle of joy has just entered your life and your life has changed forever . . . for the better. Suddenly, you have another whole being to focus on and it’s the most fulfilling endeavor you’ve ever undertaken. You make sure the baby eats right and gets plenty of love, fresh air and stimulation. You’re getting the hang of this parenting thing. Some days (ok, some fleeting moments) you feel like Super Mom! There should be a large “S” scripted across your stained shirt! Wait a minute, where did that stain come from? Not to mention that shirt isn’t fitting quite like it used to. You stop and look in the mirror and you realize you’ve been hit in the gut with Mommy Kryptonite!
But what the hell – your priority is the baby now. You can’t do a great job of taking care of the baby and yourself, right? Wrong. We’ll come back to that. First, a brief detour on how we got to this point.
Why does your body look so different than it did before the baby? Even if you’re just a few pounds up from pre-pregnancy, your body doesn’t look remotely the same. The reasons are pretty obvious -- most pregnant women have a hard time maintaining the proper levels of nutrition and exercise they need to maintain their muscular system. Medically speaking, that little miracle growing inside of you is essentially a parasite (no offense). It takes what it needs and, if it’s not coming from the food you’re eating, it’ll come from you, especially your muscles. By eating away at your muscles, the baby slows down your metabolism.
So, after the baby is born, no matter what you eat, it seems to go straight to your thighs. You have to eat, especially if you’re breastfeeding. It’s a “catch 22.”
In addition, your lifestyle has changed dramatically. I hear a similar refrain from lots of new parents. “I used to pay attention to what I ate. Now I don’t even know what I ate for lunch today, much less dinner last night. I used to live in the city and I walked everywhere, but now I drive to the corner. I used to go to the gym, now I drive my kid to gymnastics. I used to be energized and now I’m exhausted from getting up at all hours. I used to be pretty hot, now....not so much.”
Let’s get real, that GAP sweatshirt you wear every day is going to be pretty miserable come June. I know you think there isn’t enough time to do anything about it and you don’t want to shortchange that little bundle of joy. “The heck with me! I can suck it up, right?” But for how long?
That’s the question, isn’t it — how can I justify taking time for myself? How can I do it and still dedicate myself to my baby the way I need to? I address these questions every day, for myself and my clients. These questions are not easy to answer, but I’ll try.
For starters, you are the center of your little world, your family. You are the “host” that supports the lives around you. If you don’t take care of the host, how’s that universe going to thrive?
Taking care of the host does take time. And babies take a lot of time. Even if you have resolved to step up personal efforts, time is in painfully short supply. Maybe you figure, “If I’ve only got a few minutes of free time each day, give me another scoop of Chunky Monkey and let’s call it a day. What’s the point?”
There are a lot of points, but here’s the basic one: 20 minutes of really taking care of yourself is a lot better than 20 minutes of sitting on the couch eating potato chips. Trust me, twenty minutes is plenty of time to make a difference in how you feel. You’ll oxygenate your red blood cells, improve your cognition and feed off the endorphin energy for the rest of the day. Not to mention, you’ll do something proactive for yourself and your once-size eight gluteus maximus.
Overzealous much?
Now about that 20 minutes. Maybe you can give it more time, maybe an hour. If 20 minutes is good for me, an hour will be even better, right? Well, maybe eventually, way down the road, you’ll become an exercise junky and dedicate lots of time in your schedule to your body, but let’s start with a little realism. How much more is 20 minutes than what your body is currently used to? For many, it’s about 20 minutes more, so that’s already a whole lot of change to which to adapt. I’ve never seen anyone really get in shape faster by overdoing it. In fact, all I’ve seen is joint injuries or maybe a good solid case of the flu, but never drastically increased fitness. Remember this one simple rule:
ONE PART CHANGE IN REGIMEN=ONE PART CHANGE IN BODY
FIVE PARTS CHANGE IN REGIMEN=ONE PART CHANGE IN BODY
So, why use up all your valuable time, energy and bag of tricks, dietary and exercise-wise, to affect one part change? Make small changes and make them gradually, giving your body time to adapt and you’ll see plenty happen.
“So, what’s the best way to get started?” is usually the next question. Well, maybe a trip down memory lane is the answer. Still have those Tae Bo videos from the 90s? How about some Jane Fonda tapes from the 80s? If you still have a player for them, dig them out of that crate with your college yearbooks and get to work! What the hell, throw on those leg warmers! It’ll be fun! Got any friends you can drag into this with you? That’s a great strategy . . . the days you feel like bagging it, maybe they won’t and vice versa. Maybe you never really got into exercise, haven’t ever really liked it? I’d start by trying a few things that don’t sound totally repulsive. Swimming, perhaps, or walking with your workout buddy, who knows . . . maybe your partner has the answer. Or, you can always send those questions to me right here at themotherhood@comcast.net. I’ll be happy to try to help you find that perfect fit, just like those pre-pregnancy jeans.
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The AdoptionHood
By Ellen Kahaner
Ellen Kahaner is a writer and a teacher. She recently published a book for High School students on the communication skills they need to get and keep a job (Great Communication Skills, Rosen Publications, 2008). She holds a Reading Specialist license, and tutors children from K-12 in building strategies for reading enjoyment and comprehension. She can be reached at: kahaner@speakeasy.net.
I’d been a NY resident my entire life and had my doubts about leaving the city. But, two things happened on our first visit to Maplewood/ South Orange that made it seem that, as an adoptive family, we would be comfortable living here.
My husband was carrying our one and a half-year old daughter on his shoulders, pointing out the pretty leaves in Memorial Park. We ambled down a path to the swing set and, lo and behold, every swing was occupied by an Asian child, like ours. No one in my extended family of New Jersey-phobes would believe this, I thought. I took a photograph to use in presenting our case for the move. Later, walking up South Orange Avenue, we passed two Orthodox Jewish men pushing an African American baby in a stroller. Had we stumbled into Bizarro World Park Slope?
On my second visit with just my daughter along, I met with the only local resident I knew —a writer who loved raising her son here while always maintaining an active professional life in NYC. We met at Cait and Abbey’s Bakery. I asked whether she thought my husband and I would encounter difficulties as adoptive parents in this community. “Actually,” my friend replied, “People seeing us sitting together probably assume we’re the parents. Non-
traditional families are no big deal around here,” she said matter-of-factly.
So, now it’s almost six years later and I know that we found the community we were looking for —while understanding that no place is perfect. My daughter has encountered insensitive homework assignments and prejudice on the school bus. But, we have also found a caring community, open to change.
The following is a sampling of initiatives and organizations that work to bring awareness about adoption to our towns, as well as providing support for adoptive and non-traditional families.
ADOPTION AWARENESS FOR EDUCATORS
Maplewood/South Orange may have the first school district in the nation to mandate training in adoption sensitivity for elementary school teachers and staff. A collaborative effort of parents and administration, the program focuses on broadening consciousness about adoption and promoting inclusive lessons for all children, whether in adoptive, single parent, foster, or same sex parent families. Jami Thall is a parent of a fourth grader. She is also active in the South Mountain Families with Children from China. Thall has been an Adoption Awareness speaker at most of the elementary schools in our towns. She gets ongoing feedback from teachers about the usefulness of the program. Teachers rethink their assignments and reflect on their own assumptions about adopted children and children in non-traditional families. “It’s about consciousness raising,” Thall said.
For more information, contact: Jamithall@optonline.net
SOUTH MOUNTAIN FAMILIES WITH CHILDREN FROM CHINA (FCC)
Over 50 families with children adopted from China live in Maplewood and South Orange. They have formed a local chapter of Families With Children From China, a national advocacy group. Among the activities of this local network are an annual Chinese New Year Celebration, an Autumn Moon Festival, fund-raising for orphanage assistance, and age-appropriate play groups called The Dragonflies. “The best part about having a local chapter of FCC like ours is that it allows the families – both the children and their parents – to get to know other families within their community who they are likely to run into in their daily lives,” said coordinator Alan Levine.
For more information: alevine.mustang@verizon.net
ADOPTIVE PARENT GROUP
A diverse group of adoptive parents meets at Tuscan Elementary School the first week of every month. Sponsored by the Parenting Center, the group organizes around local issues concerning the curriculum, the library and expanding language offerings in our schools. The group also plans community outreach programs, including guest speakers, and is arranging a support group for children, led by a social worker.
For more information, contact: kirbymullen@yahoo.com
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The Global Adoption Climate Report
By Carol Schlitt
Carol Schlitt is an international human rights lawyer currently consulting with foundations and nonprofit organizations on strategic communications, program planning and evaluation. She is the mother of Elliott Gabriel, her 2-year old son adopted from Guatemala.
International adoption is an incredible way to grow your family, but as the climate is constantly changing, you need to be sure to have the most up-to-date information.
Two years ago, when we adopted our son from Guatemala, that country had one of the most flexible, fast and reliable adoption programs. Older parents like us could adopt an infant and our child was five months old when he came home. Today, that Guatemala program is all but shut down. Similarly, one year ago, a friend adopted a beautiful baby girl from Vietnam when she was three months old. Today, that program is being closely monitored for fear that it could close. Some adoption agencies have already stopped accepting new applications for these & many other countries.
In the case of Vietnam, the Memorandum of Understanding (“MOU”) regarding adoption between the US and Vietnam is set to expire on September 1, 2008. There are no assurances that the US government will renew the MOU, without which the Vietnamese government cannot proceed.
For Guatemala, the situation has been complicated by the Convention on Protection of Children and Co-operation in Respect of Intercountry Adoption, a multilateral treaty completed at The Hague on May 29, 1993 (“The Hague Convention”), and recently ratified by the US and Guatemalan governments.1 The Hague Convention establishes a set of internationally agreed upon minimum requirements and procedures to govern inter-country adoption. These regulations are, in part, to prevent abduction, sale or trafficking of children and to create procedures that are in the best interests of the child. The Hague Convention requires, among other things, establishment of a Central Adoption Authority, registration of all adoptable children and accreditation or approval of adoption agencies. Whether these requirements benefit adoptive children and prospective parents is a matter of debate. However, the Convention does regulate, and make more transparent, the adoption process.
The US will come into compliance with The Hague Convention on April 1, 2008. The Guatemalan government signed the Ortega Law on January 1, 2008, adopting The Hague Convention. Despite making great strides to comply with the criteria set forth in the Convention, it is unclear whether Guatemala will be Hague-compliant enough for the US to continue allowing adoptions to proceed. For that reason, many Guatemalan programs are in a holding pattern as they wait and see if this poor country will meet the rigorous standards of The Hague Convention to the satisfaction of the US government.
In addition, the costs of international adoption, including the application fee, home-study fee, program fee, cost of documents, and travel expenses are on the rise. According to George Wu, China Program Manager and Director of the New York Office of the Gladney Center for Adoption: “Due to the devaluation of the US dollar and the suffering US economy, the costs of adoption for all country programs, but particularly in China, has increased significantly.” Further, domestic adoption is up in China and Russia. Kathy Burul, who directs the Russia Program for Homestudies & Adoption Placement Services (HAPS), a New Jersey adoption agency, noted that “Russia is increasingly subsidizing the adoption of Russian children by Russians, making fewer children available for international adoption.”
The climate of global adoption is ever changing.2 Amendments to adoption laws alter eligibility criteria and result in lengthened waiting time and increased cost. To get a handle on this fluid landscape, I compiled snapshots of the adoption climate in several countries.
CHINA
Adoptive Parents Criteria
Couples married for at least 2 years or at least 5 year if there was a previous divorce; stringent physical & emotional health requirements; Net assets at least $80,000; no more than 5 children in the household, including child to be adopted.
Children’s Age
Girls one year or older, if a parent is under 45, child age averages 10-14 months; if both spouses over 45, child referral tends to be over 18 months
Parent’s Age
30-50
Single Applicant
Not accepted
Travel Requirements
Required for one parent, travel by both parents encouraged; 12 days average stay
Estimated Time
25-26 months; from application through placement may take 30-36 months. Wait times expanding due to backlog of dossiers in China. Time may be expedited if families are open to children with minor correctable physical conditions or are of Chinese heritage.
Waiting Child Program
Couples 30-54; boys and girls 8 months to 6 yrs.
Families may select gender; may be flexible regarding children in the home; expedited process.
ETHIOPIA
Adoptive Parents Criteria
Couples married at least one year, with up to 6 children in the home; significant financial, legal & medical histories requires pre-screening
Children’s Age
Infants and older children
Parent’s Age
25-50 to adopt an infant
Both applicants over 50, may be considered for an older child
Single Applicant
Women accepted ages 25-50
Travel Requirements
Required for both parents, 1 trip of 1 week
Estimated Time
Approximately 9-12 months
Waiting Child Program
To be determined
GUATEMALA
Not accepting new applications
KOREA
Adoptive Parents Criteria
Couples married at least 3 years; stringent emotional & physical health requirements
Children’s Age
8-12 months, in foster care; may request a girl if parents are Korean-American or have 2 or more boys
Parent’s Age
25-44
Single Applicant
Not accepted
Travel Requirements
Optional travel of 3-5 business days or escorts available
Estimated Time
15-21 months from application through placement, time frames are lengthening due to new regulations
Waiting Child Program
Children up to 6 years old with special needs; assignment process may be quicker; Family may specify gender
ROMANIA
Not accepting any new applications
RUSSIA
Adoptive Parents Criteria
Married couples and single women with minimum age of 25; significant financial, legal and medical histories required pre-screening; medical report must be issued by 8 different doctors, including cardiologist, oncologist, neurologist.
Children’s Age
Toddlers and children 1 year and older; orphanage care
Parent’s Age
No more than 45-year difference between younger parent and child
Single Applicant
Accepted
Travel Requirements
2-3 trips, 1st trip of 5-7 days; 2nd trip of 10 days – 3 weeks; or 2nd and 3rd trip of 1 week each
Estimated Time
Families requesting a boy over age 2 can expect a referral in 1-3 months; for infant boys and girls age 3 there is an average wait of 1-3 months; families requesting a girl can expect a wait of 3-6 months. Domestic adoptions in Russia have recently increased causing greater wait time for all girls and infant boys. Flexibility regarding age and gender can decrease waiting time.
VIETNAM
Not accepting any new applications: to read Carol's full report on Vietnam in the July issue; click here.
Resources
Accredited adoption agencies help prospective parents navigate the complex waters of international adoption. Agency fees vary widely, as do the costs of different country programs; it is best to check with the agencies directly.
Adoption agencies used by members of this community include:
Gladney Center for Adoption
363 Seventh Avenue, 3rd Floor
New York, NY 10001
Tel: (212) 868-4561
Fax: (212) 868-4566
www.adoptionsbygladney.com
Homestudies & Adoption Placement Services (HAPS)
668 American Legion Drive
Teaneck, NJ 07666
Tel: (201) 836-5554
Fax: (201) 836-0204
www.haps.org
Holt International Children’s Services
P.O. Box 2880
1195 City View
Eugene, OR 97402
Tel: (541) 678-2202
Fax: (541) 683-6175
www.holtinternational.org
Spence-Chapin Services to Families and Children
410 East 92nd Street
New York, NY 10128
Tel: (212) 369-0300
www.spence-chapin.org
FOOTNOTES:
1. The Hague Convention: Senate Treaty Doc. 105-51; 32 International Legal Materials 1139 (1993).
For interpretations of the Convention’s requirements and
procedures & impact on US adoption agencies see:
travel.state.gov/family/adoption/convention/convention_462.html
2. Sources: agency websites as of 3/4/08, subject to change. Check with agencies directly for most up-to-date info.
haps.org/adopt_russia.html
www.holtintl.org/adoption/criteria.shtml
www.spence-chapin.org/iprograms.html
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